The assignment, p.23
The Assignment, page 23
He nodded. “That’s why when we first took Nonno out, you said you fell into the job.”
“Yeah. That’s what it felt like, as if I’d stumbled upon it accidentally. But it’s been one of the best things for me.” Stroking his cheek, I added, “You have been, too, Troy. I’m sorry I haven’t opened up to you more. It hadn’t felt right until now.”
He placed his hand over mine. “I’m glad you did. I never wanted to push you because I figured it was difficult to talk about.”
“The ironic thing is, only in my sister’s death did I find my true purpose, which is to take care of Kiki, to be a role model for her. That’s not the way things should’ve been, of course. But it’s the way things are. I became a better person after losing my sister. I was forced to grow up.”
“I’m sure she’s proud of you. I know I am.” Troy looked down at the floor for a while.
Eventually I moved the subject back to us. “I feel like we’ve reached a crossroads, Troy. I’ve realized I want so much more than a casual relationship with you. But I don’t want to get further attached unless you’re a hundred-percent sure you want to continue building something. We have so much fun together. It’s seemed effortless until now, but a relationship with me won’t always be easy. I need you to take time while you’re away to think about whether you see a future with me here in Meadowbrook. Really think it through before making any promises, okay?”
Troy placed his head on my lap and just lay there for a while. I could feel his hot breath on my stomach.
When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy and held an intensity I’d never seen before. “How I feel about you is not in question,” he said. “The only thing in doubt is whether I can be the man you need. And I do think I need to take a step back and think about that.”
My stomach sank. For some reason, I hadn’t expected him to go along with my request so easily. I’d spoken out of fear tonight, and to hear that he agreed with me and felt like taking a step back was a good idea made me freak out a little.
“I never want you to look at me with hate or distrust again,” he said. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen, even if it means letting you go.”
Again, his choice of words alarmed me. Where was this coming from? But I’d asked him to scrutinize our relationship. Yet another example of how I tended to sabotage things.
He wrapped his arms around my waist. “I promise to use my time away to think about everything you’ve said. As much as I don’t want to leave Meadowbrook yet, I think it will be good to put some distance between us while we think about what’s best. Things got intense between us fast. And I agree that we’re at a point of no return—we’re both setting ourselves up to get hurt if we’re not on the same page. I need to be sure that what I want and what I can deliver are one and the same.” He pulled me into a tight hug. “You’ve changed me and made me want things I’ve never wanted before. But at the same time, I recognize what an incredible honor and responsibility it would be to own your heart. And I will not toy with it.”
Dread overtook me as I pulled away. “It’s late. I should get to bed. Will I see you again before you leave?”
“I would love that, if I can come by on a weeknight.”
I swallowed. “Of course.”
After he left, my stomach was in knots. I’d made myself clear to Troy, but I guess I’d wanted him to tell me I was nuts for thinking we might not work out. He hadn’t exactly done that.
• • •
The following day at work, I’d just finished a singalong when I decided to stop in at Ruby Blandford’s room. Ruby was eighty-seven and loved romance novels and Blue Moon beer. She was also a distant relative on my mother’s side, so she always referred to me as cousin or cuz. Whenever I felt down, I’d stop into Ruby’s room, which let more sun in than any of the other units at Horizons. Framed photos of her grandchildren covered the walls.
I helped her with her laundry for a few minutes, but she finally put down the item she’d been knitting. “Something on your mind, cuz?”
“Why do you say that?”
“You seem a little distracted. You just put your phone in my drawer along with the shirts you helped me fold.”
Jesus. I was dangerous when I was distracted. “I did? I’m sorry.” I opened the drawer and sure enough, my phone was sitting there on top of one of her blouses.
“Don’t apologize. Tell me what’s wrong. You look a bit down.”
I hadn’t shed a tear over the situation with Troy since our talk last night, and I’d vowed not to, especially in front of Kiki.
But Ruby’s simple question caused my eyes to well up.
She noticed right away. “Oh, dear.”
Wiping a lone tear, I sniffled. “I’m not supposed to be doing this at work.”
“You’re not at work. You’re technically in my house—or at least the only house I have. See that sign?” She pointed to an embroidered wall hanging. “Home sweet home? I make the rules in this space. So, tell me what has you so sad.”
The words that came out of my mouth were a surprise. “I think I’m in love.”
There was no other explanation for how sick to my stomach I felt at the first real threat of losing what I had with Troy.
“Well, that’s a beautiful thing. Why are you crying?”
“Because I don’t think I realized it until I felt like I was about to lose him. I am about to lose him. And it’s partly my fault.”
“Why are you losing him?”
I took a seat across from her. “I sort of gave him an ultimatum—not in so many words, but I asked him to assess whether a long-term relationship with me was what he really wanted before we took things any further. You see, he’s never been the monogamous type. So, I think we’re gonna be on a break while he goes back to Seattle to take care of some business. He technically lives there. The whole thing was my suggestion, but almost the second he agreed with me, I felt devastated. I think I wanted him to try to talk me out of it. The fear I felt when he didn’t made me realize how strong my feelings are. I already miss him, and he hasn’t even left yet.”
Ruby snapped her fingers. “Wait, this is Louie’s grandson, isn’t it?”
I’d never said anything to her about dating Troy. “How did you know?”
“When you said Seattle, it hit me. He’s a nice kid. I’ve spoken to him, and I knew he was from out of town. Plus, I remember that little duet you did at The Carpenters singalong.”
“Yeah, you got me. It’s Troy Serrano.”
“No secrets among family, you hear?” She winked. “You can tell me anything. It’s safe with me.”
“Thank you, Ruby.”
“You’ve heard the term absence makes the heart grow fonder, of course?”
“Yeah...”
“Well, sometimes absence takes out the trash.” She chuckled. “Trust me, if he doesn’t come back to you, you never had him to begin with. This little separation will be good. It will prove once and for all whether you mean something to him.”
Is it really that black and white? “What if he cares about me, but doesn’t think he’s cut out for a long-term relationship?”
She shook her head. “No such thing. Either you love someone enough to take the chance on yourself or you don’t. End of story.”
• • •
Later that afternoon, I was shocked to find Troy pacing in the hallway in front of his grandfather’s room.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming today,” I called as I approached.
He breathed out a sigh of relief. “There you are. They said they didn’t know where you were.” Despite the worried expression on his face, Troy looked amazingly handsome in a black wool coat and scarf, as if he’d just walked out of a men’s clothing catalog. His thick, gorgeous hair was wind-blown.
“I was talking to one of the residents. Is everything okay?”
“The meeting I have to attend for work got pushed up to early tomorrow morning. That means I have to take the next flight out. I’m headed to the airport.”
My heart dropped to my stomach. “We won’t get to spend time together before you leave?”
His forehead wrinkled. “No. I’m afraid not. But I couldn’t leave without seeing you. So I came to say goodbye.”
The whole thing didn’t sit right with me, even if he had no control over the situation.
He looked devastated. “I’m so sorry, Aspyn.”
My throat tightened. Was he sorry for leaving early or in anticipation of something else? I shoved my concerns aside. “You can’t help it, right? There’s nothing to be sorry for.” My entire body tensed in an attempt to fight the feelings of sadness and longing.
“Do you think you could sneak outside for a couple of minutes so we can have a moment alone?” he asked.
I checked my phone. We had a trip to the outlet mall scheduled, and the van would be boarding soon. “I have just a few minutes before we have to leave for a trip.”
Troy followed me out a side door. It was chilly out, and I hadn’t put on a jacket. The cold air seeped through the thin material of my scrubs.
Troy looked down at me. “Of course you have to be wearing my favorite scrubs right now. As if leaving wasn’t painful enough.” He forced a smile.
I rubbed my arms. “Did you have something to say to me in private? Is that why you wanted to be alone?”
“No. I just want to hold you without any prying eyes. Because I’m gonna miss you.”
Maybe I was reading into things too much again, but I wondered why he was going to miss me so much if he was coming back in a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to sound paranoid, so I didn’t ask. Instead, I let the question fester inside of me with all the other uncertainties floating around.
He took his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders, then used it to pull me to him. The warmth felt painfully good. In his arms, it was a lot harder to bury my emotions, and I felt them rising to the surface.
“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, you know that?” he whispered.
I didn’t say anything, afraid that if I uttered a word, my insecurities would come flooding out or I’d blurt a question I didn’t really want the answer to. I needed to trust that if this was meant to work out, it would. He’ll be back.
Troy pulled away and placed his hand on my chin, prompting me to look up at him. His smile faded, presumably because he saw the sadness in my eyes.
He leaned in and kissed my lips. It tasted bittersweet as the stubble on his chin scratched my face. I took a long breath of his scent, knowing it would be some time before I would smell it again.
My phone buzzed. I looked down to find a text from Nancy, asking where I was because the van was waiting.
“I have to go.”
Troy wrapped his hands around my face and planted one last kiss on my forehead.
“Let me know when you arrive safely,” I said.
“I will,” he whispered against my skin.
I removed his coat and handed it to him before walking back inside. Even though I wanted to cry again, I wouldn’t let myself.
Only time would tell if Troy was worth the tears.
Aspyn
Four weeks later, things hadn’t turned out the way I’d hoped.
It was now early December, and Troy’s supposed two-week trip back to Seattle had already lasted a month and counting. According to him, they’d given him a new project that required he stay out west a bit longer. That didn’t exactly make sense to me since he’d always told me he could work from anywhere.
We’d messaged back and forth, but he’d grown distant, opting to text rather than pick up the phone beyond a couple of calls when he first arrived. He kept saying work had him stressed and used that as the reason for his lack of communication. Since we couldn’t seem to talk about much of anything, I avoided asking him questions about the state of things between us. I mean, also, why should I have to ask? I’d made my stance clear. The ball was in his court now. He was the one who left, not me.
Rather than wallow in my sadness over Troy’s virtual disappearance from my life, I threw myself into my job and taking care of Kiki. Deep down, though, I felt empty. I just wasn’t willing to admit that to anyone, least of all Troy.
In my fantasy world, Troy would’ve rushed home the first opportunity he had, maybe even flown home for the weekend and insisted he didn’t want to live without me. But instead, he seemed pretty accepting of the fact that he’d have to stay out there a while. He never spoke of how hard it was to be away from me, and his silence sent me a loud and clear message—that things with us seemed to be out of sight, out of mind.
Perhaps the more time that passed, the more he discovered that what we had was just a phase, and he didn’t want to come back to Meadowbrook. I suppose the worst part of Troy’s silence was that it left me to draw my own conclusions. They may not have accurately described how he felt, but they suited my need to protect myself from getting hurt.
• • •
A couple more weeks passed, and before I knew it, the holiday season was in full swing. At least getting ready for Christmas—mostly shopping for Kiki—kept me busier than usual and my mind off of analyzing why Troy had stopped being a meaningful part of my life.
Jasmine had invited Kiki and me to a Christmas party she and Cole were throwing on a Saturday in mid-December. So, my niece and I bundled up and drove to New Hope. I wore a red turtleneck sweater dress that had little sparkles built into the material. Kiki dressed in a velour tartan plaid dress I’d recently bought her. She’d worn it for our yearly Christmas card picture.
I’d only seen Jasmine once since the awkward run-in at my house during the harvest festival, so this visit was long overdue. I’d decided to go to her house a little earlier in the afternoon to help her set up for her guests. I figured that would give us some time to catch up.
I was cutting vegetables for a veggie and dip plate while Jasmine rolled cold cut slices onto a platter. She’d poured us each a cup of Twinings Christmas tea. Kiki was in the next room playing with Hannah while Cole supervised.
“So, what’s the latest with you and Troy?” Jasmine finally asked.
I sighed and sliced into a carrot. “He’s actually back in Seattle.”
She ceased the turkey rolling for a moment. “For good?”
I put my knife down. “I don’t know. It was supposed to be for just a couple of weeks for work, but he’s ended up having to stay out there longer. Now I don’t know when or if he’s coming back.”
“You haven’t asked him?”
“I’m trying to give him space to assess what he really wants, whether that’s to stay in Seattle or otherwise. I don’t want to manipulate things, nor do I feel I should have to.”
She nodded and resumed arranging the cold cuts. “Well, this is probably for the best. That one day I observed you with him, it seemed like you were pretty attached, that he had you under some kind of spell. Quite frankly, I still don’t think he’s right for you, and it’s probably a good thing he left.”
Her words were a blow, despite the fact that I knew she felt that way, and with each day that passed, I was closer to believing she was right.
“I understand what you’re saying,” I told her. “My impression of the time I spent with him is different, but I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t really want to spend this day analyzing what happened between him and me, though. It is what it is, at this point.”
She opened a package of pepperoni. “Well, it sounds like now might be a good time to keep your options open. That’s certainly better than sulking while Troy is in Seattle having fun, partying it up with his friends, I’m sure.”
“He’s not having fun,” Kiki chimed in.
I hadn’t realized my niece had entered the kitchen until she said that.
I looked over at her. “What are you talking about?”
“I talked to him the other day.”
My heart sped up. “You spoke to Troy?”
“I sent him an email.”
“Why did you email him?”
“You told me I could, remember?”
That was true. In fact, the entire reason they’d exchanged information was so she could keep in touch with him if things between him and me went awry. And it seemed they had. Nevertheless, it certainly wasn’t fair of me to use her to get information. So I resisted asking her anything. Although, anything she happened to offer was fair game.
Maybe just one question. “What do you mean, he’s not having fun?”
“He told me he was really tired. But he said receiving my message cheered him up.”
Jasmine looked between us, her eyes narrowed, seeming judgy about the fact that my niece had been corresponding with Troy.
Okay, I lied. I need to know one more thing. “What else did you talk about?”
Kiki shrugged. “I wrote to him to complain about Maisy because I know he understands. He told me I need to act like she doesn’t bother me because she’s only being mean to get a reaction.”
“That’s good advice.”
“Then he said he was working a lot and that he missed Meadowbrook and told me again to write to him whenever I wanted.”
Hmm… “Well, that’s nice.” I resisted the urge to ask whether he’d mentioned me.
After Kiki left the room again, Jasmine lowered her voice. “He’s emailing with her?”
Here we go. “I know it seems weird. But they bonded pretty early on. They both grew up without moms, and she feels like he can relate to her in a way others can’t.”
She shrugged as she opened a jar of pepperoncini. “I guess that’s kind of sweet.”
