Comedy of errors, p.8
Comedy of Errors, page 8
To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
85
Master, there is a bark of Epidamnum
That stays but till her owner comes aboard,
And then, sir, she bears away. Our fraughtage, sir,
I have conveyed aboard, and I have bought
The oil, the balsamum and aqua vitae.
90
The ship is in her trim; the merry wind
Blows fair from land. They stay for naught at all
But for their owner, master, and yourself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
How now? A madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,
What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
95
A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope
And told thee to what purpose and what end.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
You sent me for a rope’s end as soon.
You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
100
I will debate this matter at more leisure
And teach your ears to list me with more heed.
To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight.
Give her this key, and tell her in the desk
That’s cover’d o’er with Turkish tapestry
105
There is a purse of ducats. Let her send it.
Tell her I am arrested in the street,
And that shall bail me. Hie thee, slave. Begone.—
On, officer, to prison till it come.
Exeunt SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, OFFICER, and ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
To Adriana. That is where we dined,
110
Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband.
She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.
Thither I must, although against my will,
For servants must their masters’ minds fulfill.
Exit
ACT FOUR
SCENE 1
Modern Text
The SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, and an OFFICER enter.
SECOND MERCHANT
You’ve owed me this money since the Pentecost holiday. I haven’t pressed you for it, and I wouldn’t now except that I’m going to Persia and I need money for the trip. So pay me now, or I’ll have this officer arrest you.
ANGELO
Antipholus owes me the exact amount that I owe you. Just before I ran into you, I gave him a necklace. At five o’clock he’s going to pay me for it. Please, come to his house with me. I’ll pay what I owe you then and say thank you as well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS enter from the COURTESAN’S house.
OFFICER
He saves you the trouble: look, here he comes.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to DROMIO) I’m going to the jeweler’s house. You go buy a piece of rope—I’ll whip my wife and her cohorts for locking me out of my own house. Wait a minute! I see the jeweler. Go, be gone with you. Buy a rope and bring it to me.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
1I buy myself a thousand beatings a year if I buy a rope.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS exits.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to ANGELO) Good luck to any man who trusts you. I swore that you would come with the necklace, but neither you nor the necklace showed up. Perhaps you were concerned about being chained to me and so decided not to come.
ANGELO
All joking aside, here’s an invoice spelling out exactly how many carats the necklace weighs as well as the quality of the gold and the workmanship. The total due is about three ducats more than I owe this gentleman. Please, pay him immediately. He’s about to leave on a trip and he’s waiting for the money.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I don’t have the cash right now. Besides, I have some business to take care of in town. Good signior, take this stranger to my house. Bring the necklace with you, and tell my wife to pay you the amount due. I might make it back in time to meet you.
ANGELO
So you’ll bring the necklace to her yourself?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
No. You bring it in case I can’t make it.
ANGELO
All right, sir, I will. Do you have it with you?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
If I don’t, I hope you do. Or else you’ll leave without your money.
ANGELO
Listen, please, give me the necklace. This gentleman’s ready to go. The wind is right and it’s high tide, and I’ve delayed him a long time already.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Lord! You’re using this as an excuse for not showing up at the Porcupine like you promised. I should have reprimanded you then for not bringing it, but you started fighting with me first.
SECOND MERCHANT
It’s getting late. Please, sir, hurry up.
ANGELO
Antipholus, you hear how the man pleads with me. Give me the necklace!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Give it to my wife, and get your money.
ANGELO
Come, come. You know I gave it to you just now. Send the necklace to her, or send me with a token that will authorize her to pay me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Damn it, this isn’t funny. Where’s the necklace? Let me see it.
SECOND MERCHANT
My business cannot wait for this delay. (to ANTIPHOLUS) Good sir, tell me if you’re going to pay me. If not, I’ll turn this man over to the officer.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Pay you? What should I pay you?
ANGELO
The money you owe me for the necklace.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I owe you nothing until I receive the necklace.
ANGELO
You know that I gave it to you a half hour ago.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You gave me nothing, and you wrong me by saying you did.
ANGELO
You wrong me even more, sir, by denying it. Consider how poorly this reflects on me.
SECOND MERCHANT
Well, officer, I charge you to arrest him.
OFFICER
I will. (to ANGELO) And I order you to obey me, in the name of the duke.
ANGELO
This harms my reputation. Either pay this sum, Antipholus, or I’ll have this officer arrest you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Pay for something I never got? Go ahead, you fool. Arrest me if you dare.
ANGELO
Officer, here’s your fee—arrest him. I would have my own brother arrested if he treated me so terribly.
OFFICER
You’re under arrest, sir. You hear the charges.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I’ll obey you until I can make bail. But Angelo, you’ll pay for this, even if it costs all the precious metals in your jewelry shop.
ANGELO
Sir, the laws of Ephesus will be on my side, and you’ll be embarrassed. I’m certain of it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, there’s a ship from Epidamnum that’s going to set sail as soon as its owner gets on board. I’ve left our luggage on the ship, and I bought the oil, balm, and liquor you wanted. The ship is ready, the wind is up, and the sailors are only waiting for their owner and for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What are you, a madman? You annoying idiot, what Epidamnum ship is waiting for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
A ship you sent me to find, to book passage out of here.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You drunken slave, I sent you for a rope, and I told you what to do with it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yeah, right—you sent me to get whipped. You sent me to the port to find a ship.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I’ll debate this with you later, and then I’ll teach you to listen more carefully. Go to Adriana, you scoundrel, and quickly. Give her this key, and tell her that there’s money in the desk that’s covered with a Turkish tapestry. Have her send it to me. Tell her that I’ve been arrested and the money will be my bail. Hurry, you slave! Go! Officer, take me to prison until the money comes.
SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, OFFICER, and ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS exit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
To Adriana? That’s where we had lunch. Where that “sweetheart” said I was her husband! She’s too much for me to handle. But I must go there, against my will: servants must fulfill their masters’ wishes.
He exits.
ACT 4, SCENE 2
Original Text
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA
Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?
Mightst thou perceive austerely in his eye
That he did plead in earnest, yea or no?
Looked he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?
5
What observation mad’st thou in this case
Of his heart’s meteors tilting in his face?
LUCIANA
First he denied you had in him no right.
ADRIANA
He meant he did me none; the more my spite.
LUCIANA
Then swore he that he was a stranger here.
ADRIANA
10
And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.
LUCIANA
Then pleaded I for you.
ADRIANA
And what said he?
LUCIANA
That love I begged for you he begged of me.
ADRIANA
With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?
LUCIANA
With words that in an honest suit might move.
15
First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.
ADRIANA
Did’st speak him fair?
LUCIANA
Have patience, I beseech.
ADRIANA
I cannot, nor I will not hold me still;
My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.
He is deformèd, crooked, old, and sere,
20
Ill-faced, worse-bodied, shapeless everywhere,
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
LUCIANA
Who would be jealous, then, of such a one?
No evil lost is wailed when it is gone.
ADRIANA
25
Ah, but I think him better than I say,
And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse.
Far from her nest the lapwing cries away.
My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, running
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Here, go—the desk, the purse! Sweet, now make haste.
LUCIANA
30
How hast thou lost thy breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
By running fast.
ADRIANA
Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.
A devil in an everlasting garment hath him,
One whose hard heart is buttoned up with steel;
35
A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough;
A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff;
A back-friend, a shoulder clapper, one that countermands
The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands;
A hound that runs counter and yet draws dryfoot well,
40
One that before the judgment carries poor souls to hell.
ADRIANA
Why, man, what is the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I do not know the matter. He is ’rested on the case.
ADRIANA
What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I know not at whose suit he is arrested well,
45
But he’s in a suit of buff which ’rested him; that can I tell.
Will you send him, mistress, redemption—the money in his desk?
ADRIANA
Go fetch it, sister.
Exit LUCIANA
This I wonder at,
That he, unknown to me, should be in debt.
Tell me, was he arrested on a band?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
50
Not on a band, but on a stronger thing:
A chain, a chain. Do you not hear it ring?
ADRIANA
What, the chain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, no, the bell. ’Tis time that I were gone.
It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.
ADRIANA
The hours come back. That did I never hear.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
55
O yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, he turns back for very fear.
ADRIANA
As if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou reason!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Time is a very bankrout and owes more than he’s worth to season.
Nay, he’s a thief too. Have you not heard men say
That time comes stealing on by night and day?
60
If he be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,
Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Re-enter LUCIANA with a purse
ADRIANA
Go, Dromio. There’s the money. Bear it straight,
And bring thy master home immediately.
Come, sister, I am pressed down with conceit:
Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Exeunt
ACT 4, SCENE 2
Modern Text
ADRIANA and LUCIANA enter.
ADRIANA
Oh, Luciana, did he tempt you like that? Could you tell from his face if he was serious? Yes or no? Did he look flushed or pale? Sad or happy? Could you tell from his looks what he was feeling in his heart?
LUCIANA
First, he said you had no right to him.
ADRIANA
He meant he did nothing right for me—which is true, unfortunately.
LUCIANA
Then he swore he was a stranger here.
ADRIANA
And that’s true—he is being strange. And yet he lies as well, for he’s no stranger.
LUCIANA
Then I pleaded for you.
ADRIANA
And what did he say?
LUCIANA
That he felt for me the love that I begged him to feel for you.
ADRIANA
How did he try to persuade you to love him?
LUCIANA
With words that—if they were spoken honestly—might have moved me. First, he praised my beauty, then my eloquence.
ADRIANA
Did you praise him as well?
LUCIANA
Have some patience, please.
ADRIANA
I cannot and I will not keep quiet. My voice will have its way, even if my heart can’t. He is misshapen, crooked, old, and withered. His face is ugly, and his body is even worse—all shapeless, everywhere. He is vicious, mean, foolish, blunt, unkind. His body is deformed, and his mind is worse.
LUCIANA
Then why be jealous of a person like that? When an evil thing has been lost, no one cries.
ADRIANA
Oh, but I think of him more highly than I say I do—and I wish he looked worse in other women’s eyes. I’m like a lapwing, creating a diversion in order to distract predators from my nest. My heart adores him, even though my tongue curses him.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters, running.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Here! Go! The desk! Money! Come on, now! Hurry!
LUCIANA
How did you lose your breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
By running fast.
ADRIANA
Where’s your master, Dromio? Is he all right?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, he’s in a place worse than hell. A devil in a tough uniform has him—a man whose heart is as hard as steel. A fiend and a goblin, pitiless and rough. A wolf—no, even worse—a man all in tough leather. A backbiting friend, one who grabs people, who patrols the streets and passageways. A hunting dog that runs in the opposite direction of its prey, yet can follow the scent of the hunt. A man who puts people away before the verdict is announced.
ADRIANA
Speak, man, what’s the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I don’t know what the matter is, but he’s been arrested for it.
ADRIANA
What? He’s been arrested? Tell me, who had him arrested?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I don’t know who had him arrested, but the man that arrested him was in a suit of leather. Mistress, will you send him bail? The money in the desk?
ADRIANA
Get it, sister.
LUCIANA exits.
I don’t understand it. How could he be in debt without me knowing it? Tell me, was he arrested because of a band?2
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Not for a band, but for something stronger: a necklace, a necklace! Don’t you hear it ring?
ADRIANA
What, the necklace?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, no, the bell. It’s time for me to go. It was two o’clock when I left him, and now it’s one.
ADRIANA
Time’s running backward? I’ve never heard of that.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Oh, sure. When an hour3 meets a cop, it turns and runs in fear.
ADRIANA
Time’s not the one in debt. Your logic is so foolish.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Time is always bankrupt: it owes more than it can ever pay back in a season. And Time’s a thief, too—don’t you know the old saying, “Time steals along”? So if Time is in debt and also a thief, and a cop comes, don’t you think Time would turn back an hour?
LUCIANA returns with a purse full of money.
ADRIANA
Here’s the money, Dromio. Take it to your master and bring him home immediately. Come, sister, my imagination is too much for me: it both comforts me and depresses me.
They exit.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
85
Master, there is a bark of Epidamnum
That stays but till her owner comes aboard,
And then, sir, she bears away. Our fraughtage, sir,
I have conveyed aboard, and I have bought
The oil, the balsamum and aqua vitae.
90
The ship is in her trim; the merry wind
Blows fair from land. They stay for naught at all
But for their owner, master, and yourself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
How now? A madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,
What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
95
A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope
And told thee to what purpose and what end.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
You sent me for a rope’s end as soon.
You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
100
I will debate this matter at more leisure
And teach your ears to list me with more heed.
To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight.
Give her this key, and tell her in the desk
That’s cover’d o’er with Turkish tapestry
105
There is a purse of ducats. Let her send it.
Tell her I am arrested in the street,
And that shall bail me. Hie thee, slave. Begone.—
On, officer, to prison till it come.
Exeunt SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, OFFICER, and ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
To Adriana. That is where we dined,
110
Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband.
She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.
Thither I must, although against my will,
For servants must their masters’ minds fulfill.
Exit
ACT FOUR
SCENE 1
Modern Text
The SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, and an OFFICER enter.
SECOND MERCHANT
You’ve owed me this money since the Pentecost holiday. I haven’t pressed you for it, and I wouldn’t now except that I’m going to Persia and I need money for the trip. So pay me now, or I’ll have this officer arrest you.
ANGELO
Antipholus owes me the exact amount that I owe you. Just before I ran into you, I gave him a necklace. At five o’clock he’s going to pay me for it. Please, come to his house with me. I’ll pay what I owe you then and say thank you as well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS enter from the COURTESAN’S house.
OFFICER
He saves you the trouble: look, here he comes.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to DROMIO) I’m going to the jeweler’s house. You go buy a piece of rope—I’ll whip my wife and her cohorts for locking me out of my own house. Wait a minute! I see the jeweler. Go, be gone with you. Buy a rope and bring it to me.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
1I buy myself a thousand beatings a year if I buy a rope.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS exits.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to ANGELO) Good luck to any man who trusts you. I swore that you would come with the necklace, but neither you nor the necklace showed up. Perhaps you were concerned about being chained to me and so decided not to come.
ANGELO
All joking aside, here’s an invoice spelling out exactly how many carats the necklace weighs as well as the quality of the gold and the workmanship. The total due is about three ducats more than I owe this gentleman. Please, pay him immediately. He’s about to leave on a trip and he’s waiting for the money.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I don’t have the cash right now. Besides, I have some business to take care of in town. Good signior, take this stranger to my house. Bring the necklace with you, and tell my wife to pay you the amount due. I might make it back in time to meet you.
ANGELO
So you’ll bring the necklace to her yourself?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
No. You bring it in case I can’t make it.
ANGELO
All right, sir, I will. Do you have it with you?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
If I don’t, I hope you do. Or else you’ll leave without your money.
ANGELO
Listen, please, give me the necklace. This gentleman’s ready to go. The wind is right and it’s high tide, and I’ve delayed him a long time already.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Lord! You’re using this as an excuse for not showing up at the Porcupine like you promised. I should have reprimanded you then for not bringing it, but you started fighting with me first.
SECOND MERCHANT
It’s getting late. Please, sir, hurry up.
ANGELO
Antipholus, you hear how the man pleads with me. Give me the necklace!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Give it to my wife, and get your money.
ANGELO
Come, come. You know I gave it to you just now. Send the necklace to her, or send me with a token that will authorize her to pay me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Damn it, this isn’t funny. Where’s the necklace? Let me see it.
SECOND MERCHANT
My business cannot wait for this delay. (to ANTIPHOLUS) Good sir, tell me if you’re going to pay me. If not, I’ll turn this man over to the officer.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Pay you? What should I pay you?
ANGELO
The money you owe me for the necklace.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I owe you nothing until I receive the necklace.
ANGELO
You know that I gave it to you a half hour ago.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You gave me nothing, and you wrong me by saying you did.
ANGELO
You wrong me even more, sir, by denying it. Consider how poorly this reflects on me.
SECOND MERCHANT
Well, officer, I charge you to arrest him.
OFFICER
I will. (to ANGELO) And I order you to obey me, in the name of the duke.
ANGELO
This harms my reputation. Either pay this sum, Antipholus, or I’ll have this officer arrest you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Pay for something I never got? Go ahead, you fool. Arrest me if you dare.
ANGELO
Officer, here’s your fee—arrest him. I would have my own brother arrested if he treated me so terribly.
OFFICER
You’re under arrest, sir. You hear the charges.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I’ll obey you until I can make bail. But Angelo, you’ll pay for this, even if it costs all the precious metals in your jewelry shop.
ANGELO
Sir, the laws of Ephesus will be on my side, and you’ll be embarrassed. I’m certain of it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, there’s a ship from Epidamnum that’s going to set sail as soon as its owner gets on board. I’ve left our luggage on the ship, and I bought the oil, balm, and liquor you wanted. The ship is ready, the wind is up, and the sailors are only waiting for their owner and for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What are you, a madman? You annoying idiot, what Epidamnum ship is waiting for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
A ship you sent me to find, to book passage out of here.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You drunken slave, I sent you for a rope, and I told you what to do with it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yeah, right—you sent me to get whipped. You sent me to the port to find a ship.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I’ll debate this with you later, and then I’ll teach you to listen more carefully. Go to Adriana, you scoundrel, and quickly. Give her this key, and tell her that there’s money in the desk that’s covered with a Turkish tapestry. Have her send it to me. Tell her that I’ve been arrested and the money will be my bail. Hurry, you slave! Go! Officer, take me to prison until the money comes.
SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, OFFICER, and ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS exit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
To Adriana? That’s where we had lunch. Where that “sweetheart” said I was her husband! She’s too much for me to handle. But I must go there, against my will: servants must fulfill their masters’ wishes.
He exits.
ACT 4, SCENE 2
Original Text
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA
Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?
Mightst thou perceive austerely in his eye
That he did plead in earnest, yea or no?
Looked he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?
5
What observation mad’st thou in this case
Of his heart’s meteors tilting in his face?
LUCIANA
First he denied you had in him no right.
ADRIANA
He meant he did me none; the more my spite.
LUCIANA
Then swore he that he was a stranger here.
ADRIANA
10
And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.
LUCIANA
Then pleaded I for you.
ADRIANA
And what said he?
LUCIANA
That love I begged for you he begged of me.
ADRIANA
With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?
LUCIANA
With words that in an honest suit might move.
15
First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.
ADRIANA
Did’st speak him fair?
LUCIANA
Have patience, I beseech.
ADRIANA
I cannot, nor I will not hold me still;
My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.
He is deformèd, crooked, old, and sere,
20
Ill-faced, worse-bodied, shapeless everywhere,
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
LUCIANA
Who would be jealous, then, of such a one?
No evil lost is wailed when it is gone.
ADRIANA
25
Ah, but I think him better than I say,
And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse.
Far from her nest the lapwing cries away.
My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, running
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Here, go—the desk, the purse! Sweet, now make haste.
LUCIANA
30
How hast thou lost thy breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
By running fast.
ADRIANA
Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.
A devil in an everlasting garment hath him,
One whose hard heart is buttoned up with steel;
35
A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough;
A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff;
A back-friend, a shoulder clapper, one that countermands
The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands;
A hound that runs counter and yet draws dryfoot well,
40
One that before the judgment carries poor souls to hell.
ADRIANA
Why, man, what is the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I do not know the matter. He is ’rested on the case.
ADRIANA
What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I know not at whose suit he is arrested well,
45
But he’s in a suit of buff which ’rested him; that can I tell.
Will you send him, mistress, redemption—the money in his desk?
ADRIANA
Go fetch it, sister.
Exit LUCIANA
This I wonder at,
That he, unknown to me, should be in debt.
Tell me, was he arrested on a band?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
50
Not on a band, but on a stronger thing:
A chain, a chain. Do you not hear it ring?
ADRIANA
What, the chain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, no, the bell. ’Tis time that I were gone.
It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.
ADRIANA
The hours come back. That did I never hear.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
55
O yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, he turns back for very fear.
ADRIANA
As if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou reason!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Time is a very bankrout and owes more than he’s worth to season.
Nay, he’s a thief too. Have you not heard men say
That time comes stealing on by night and day?
60
If he be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,
Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Re-enter LUCIANA with a purse
ADRIANA
Go, Dromio. There’s the money. Bear it straight,
And bring thy master home immediately.
Come, sister, I am pressed down with conceit:
Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Exeunt
ACT 4, SCENE 2
Modern Text
ADRIANA and LUCIANA enter.
ADRIANA
Oh, Luciana, did he tempt you like that? Could you tell from his face if he was serious? Yes or no? Did he look flushed or pale? Sad or happy? Could you tell from his looks what he was feeling in his heart?
LUCIANA
First, he said you had no right to him.
ADRIANA
He meant he did nothing right for me—which is true, unfortunately.
LUCIANA
Then he swore he was a stranger here.
ADRIANA
And that’s true—he is being strange. And yet he lies as well, for he’s no stranger.
LUCIANA
Then I pleaded for you.
ADRIANA
And what did he say?
LUCIANA
That he felt for me the love that I begged him to feel for you.
ADRIANA
How did he try to persuade you to love him?
LUCIANA
With words that—if they were spoken honestly—might have moved me. First, he praised my beauty, then my eloquence.
ADRIANA
Did you praise him as well?
LUCIANA
Have some patience, please.
ADRIANA
I cannot and I will not keep quiet. My voice will have its way, even if my heart can’t. He is misshapen, crooked, old, and withered. His face is ugly, and his body is even worse—all shapeless, everywhere. He is vicious, mean, foolish, blunt, unkind. His body is deformed, and his mind is worse.
LUCIANA
Then why be jealous of a person like that? When an evil thing has been lost, no one cries.
ADRIANA
Oh, but I think of him more highly than I say I do—and I wish he looked worse in other women’s eyes. I’m like a lapwing, creating a diversion in order to distract predators from my nest. My heart adores him, even though my tongue curses him.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters, running.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Here! Go! The desk! Money! Come on, now! Hurry!
LUCIANA
How did you lose your breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
By running fast.
ADRIANA
Where’s your master, Dromio? Is he all right?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, he’s in a place worse than hell. A devil in a tough uniform has him—a man whose heart is as hard as steel. A fiend and a goblin, pitiless and rough. A wolf—no, even worse—a man all in tough leather. A backbiting friend, one who grabs people, who patrols the streets and passageways. A hunting dog that runs in the opposite direction of its prey, yet can follow the scent of the hunt. A man who puts people away before the verdict is announced.
ADRIANA
Speak, man, what’s the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I don’t know what the matter is, but he’s been arrested for it.
ADRIANA
What? He’s been arrested? Tell me, who had him arrested?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I don’t know who had him arrested, but the man that arrested him was in a suit of leather. Mistress, will you send him bail? The money in the desk?
ADRIANA
Get it, sister.
LUCIANA exits.
I don’t understand it. How could he be in debt without me knowing it? Tell me, was he arrested because of a band?2
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Not for a band, but for something stronger: a necklace, a necklace! Don’t you hear it ring?
ADRIANA
What, the necklace?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, no, the bell. It’s time for me to go. It was two o’clock when I left him, and now it’s one.
ADRIANA
Time’s running backward? I’ve never heard of that.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Oh, sure. When an hour3 meets a cop, it turns and runs in fear.
ADRIANA
Time’s not the one in debt. Your logic is so foolish.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Time is always bankrupt: it owes more than it can ever pay back in a season. And Time’s a thief, too—don’t you know the old saying, “Time steals along”? So if Time is in debt and also a thief, and a cop comes, don’t you think Time would turn back an hour?
LUCIANA returns with a purse full of money.
ADRIANA
Here’s the money, Dromio. Take it to your master and bring him home immediately. Come, sister, my imagination is too much for me: it both comforts me and depresses me.
They exit.
